And now because of Facebook- we can all become our own celebrities. We can just go out and be who we want and watch it all from our computers and phones... and do whatever we want to pay the bills in between, depending upon what we can afford.
And I can't complain. I really have the best life of anyone that I know. I mean- fuck. Right now, I'm in the general direction that I can't stop moving- UP. I just was going down for so long. And it seemed like it would never end. But somehow, I've come out on the other side.
It makes no sense to me- that I have an alter ego. Except I meet them both, every day. And it is so weird. I just fall into myself, and meet myself, and fall apart... Every day. It is easy to get stuck feeling like I'm doing everything the same every day. It scares me. I begin to loose myself ...we both are... asleep and awake. Everything is just a beautiful Vanilla Sky, and I can loose myself in it if I want to- But that would break the balance.
I feel life like ripples in a wave. I am water.
I am sinking under water. I am falling out of the sky.
My mind falls apart... and together.
I get sea sick.
I am not like anybody else.
Except I am pretty sure that everyone else is more like me than they think... I'm sure they know everything I don't. I certainly don't know what they do. But I love them. Each and every one. Because there are no mistakes, right? Just misunderstandings. Even if you just misunderstood yourself.
...When I first started playing music at open mics... I would blush and say, "Oh, no, I'm not a musician." Now I know I am an artist, and I have almost nothing to show for it in other mediums. It is not that I don't have the ideas planned out and ready to be executed. It is not entirely that I have not mastered any of the mediums with which I feel inspired to work. It is simply... a matter of time. My songs are my life. They start sometimes before I know what they are going to be about... and as the story reveals itself to me through my life, I find solutions and satisfaction worth carrying on. Then it is a song.
I have a grand scheme for a series of words as images. I need to mix paint, cut stencils, find a way to safely break glass, devise a way of adhering broken glass in such a way that it will remain jagged and translucent... Welding has been suggested, but that would require recruiting help.
*Sigh* ...it isn't that I won't get around to seeing it through. When the answers become apparent, then I will suddenly get it all done... and that happens to me. It has many times... I can not rush myself in the task any more than I can force a song to be finished when it is not ready.
I have begun to hate being my own editor. I don't want to bother caring... I just want to pour it all out and forget about the fact that of course I should be writing with the intention of having an audience... Right? Or is that backwards? I journal ALL the time. I know what drivel comes out when I'm not really thinking or editing for readers... But it is also when song lyrics come most easily.
I love writing in loud dark bars. I get a few strange looks, fewer free drinks... But I have stopped accepting drinks from strangers. Gone are the days of thinking that was something I had to do. Being grateful somehow through indulgence.
Nevertheless... It is my image of the world that I am imposing upon everyone else! Me, me, me... So I try to avoid being unkind. It has never helped anyone to be unkind. Wasting time on writing about things that make me sad and upset only serve to prolong my suffering. The sooner I let go and find something to be happy about, the sooner I feel free and start finding more love...
No comments:
Post a Comment