Losing Eden

My parents named me Evie after the gospel singer Evie Tornquist.  Like my namesake, my name is pronounced Ev-vy, like “heavy” without the “h”.  However, throughout my childhood, I constantly had to correct everyone calling me Eve-y.

Again and again, immediately after introducing myself, I would have the same conversation; “Like Eve?  Is it short for Evelyn?”

“No, my parents named me Evie, but you can call me Ev.”  A pet name I preferred, from my brothers, growing up.

Still, people persisted upon calling me whatever they wanted, “Eve, Eve-y, Evelyn, Everly.”  It made no difference to them how nicely I asked.

I began to hate the name “Evie”… and Eve, with her notorious reputation preceding her.

So as an adult, I made an important decision; I was finished with the never-ending name game.  I would become Ev and forget the explanation.  

Miraculously, Eve began to leave me alone.

Who wanted to be Eve?  The naïve lady who let a snake talk her into losing Eden over an apple?

Eve, meaning “life” meant “mother” to me… and while I waited and gave my heart away to more than one man who stated the intention of marrying and making a family with me, I always found myself chasing this dream… To be another person’s other half.

For most of my life, I have pondered the creation story, re-imagining it from many angles with many different potential males playing the role of Adam.  However, it was not until I was dating a man really named Adam that I found the gumption to put the complete story down on paper…

During our courtship, Adam was elated by how compatible we seemed to be.  “Wow, Ev.  Are you ever going to stop loving me this way?  Touching me this way?  Speaking openly with me this way?”

I would smile, “No, this is who I am, Adam.  Most guys have seen it as a problem actually.”

“Why?  You’re great!”  He assured me with a sincere smile.  “I love you being you!  I just want you to keep being you and keep growing!”

“That’s all I’ve wanted to hear a man say,” I swooned.  “This is me… I only ask that you stay open with me.”

We confided in one another that, despite our own unorthodox views on spirituality, our Christian parents were praying for us both to find life partners.  Suddenly, we were questioning whether our parents had manifested our relationship.

…For nearly two weeks everything seemed to fall into place.  We liked all the same things.  He called and sent messages every day.  He wanted to see me almost every other day… Although I initially warned him that I had many loose ends left to tie up, I found myself overwhelmed by the fairy tale.  One night I could not contain it.  Much to my chagrin, it was over the phone that I heard myself impetuously crying to him, “You have me.  You caught me.  I’m ready to cut the ties from before and start something real with you… now.”

He told me everything was fine, but his messages became fewer… It took him five days to call me again… While I waited patiently, I finally found the words to tell the story of Adam and Eve... Not the way it is written in the Bible.

(Artwork courtesy of Amy Bird)

God created the Heavens and the Earth... Animals and man.

God started with one man, Adam- to be one with everything else.  God told him to name the animals and enjoy paradise.

After a few days, God- who was accustomed to living alone in eternity -realized Adam's questions were infinite.  Why did some animals have super powers; birds had flight, fish could breathe under water.  Adam rambled that he understood their gifts gave them purpose... But what were Adam's gifts?  What was his purpose?

"Asking questions," God thought to himself.

However, realizing that Adam lacked the capacity for understanding the wisdom that comes with omniscience, God took pity on him.  As Adam lay asleep one beautiful morning, God took from him a rib and from it, fashioned him a female counterpart, Eve.

In their initial forms, neither Adam nor Eve had sexual definition.  There was no need.  They were one with everything and did not see themselves as separate from one another... or from the animals or trees or bodies of water...  They simply understood they were made to give each other companionship.

Adam was elated and thanked God for giving him a mate who entertained his curiosities.  God could once again find comfort in his solace.  He told the pair, "Adam, Eve... Paradise is yours.  Eat from any tree in the garden... Except this one.  The Tree of Knowledge is forbidden."

Adam and Eve stared at one another.  It was Eve who spoke up first, "Please, God.  Tell us, what does forbidden mean?"

God sighed, "It means if you eat from it, you must leave paradise forever."

This was the first time that Adam or Eve had ever heard there was anywhere else to go.

Adam spoke up this time, "God, what is forever?"

"I am forever," answered God.  "These bodies I have given you to live in for now are not.  They are like the flowers and the trees.  They will wither and fade and go back to the Earth from which they came."

Adam and Eve looked at one another again in confusion.

"Just don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge," God sighed.  "One rule.  It's simple.  Just don't eat from it..."

Adam and Eve nodded their heads, as they always did, even when they did not understand what he was saying.

..................Adam and Eve had lived in the garden for quite a while without ever having noticed the Tree of Knowledge before... But now that there was a mystery, they were intrigued.

As all theologians know, it was a serpent who bent Eve's ear; "It's a test."

"What's a test?"  Eve asked.

"God wants you to eat an apple from the Tree of Knowledge.  He just said not to so you would notice it."

"Why would he tell us not to, if he wants us to eat from it?"  Eve pondered aloud. "Why didn't he just tell us to eat from it instead?"

"Why does God do anything?"  answered the serpent.  "You know him and his mysterious ways."

"He does say many things we don't understand," Eve agreed, thinking of forever.

"You didn't even know about the Tree before he mentioned it.  Why did he bother saying anything?  Why would he bother creating a tree with inedible fruit?"

Eve found this logic difficult to argue with... and besides, having only ever known paradise and how wonderful it was, Eve was curious to know what lay beyond.  She wanted to understand forbidden and forever.

The next moment she was plucking a ripe apple from a branch of Knowledge and sinking her teeth into it.

Until this moment, everything in paradise had tasted the same; good.  Until this moment she did not acknowledge her ego or see her body as an aging piece of flesh.  Eve recoiled and heaved but bits of the fruit fell down her throat.  She felt humiliation and fear and mortality.  She fell to her knees...

The serpent dodged the venom as Eve attempted to spew it out.  "That good, eh?"

"You damn thing!"  Eve swatted the serpent away.  "What have I done?"

Burying the evidence of her transgression, Eve ran to find Adam.  How to tell him...

In the stream she found him, bent over, petting the fish as they swam by.  She saw him as naked for the first time; different from herself, separate from herself.

"Eve!"  He smiled upon seeing her.  "Look at what I can do!"

He plunged his hands into the water and attempted to pick up a fish unsuccessfully.  "Oops!"  He laughed, trying again and again unsuccessfully.  "Well, I can.  I did before."

Eve felt an unfamiliar flush of embarrassment for Adam's behavior.  "I am going to lie down."

"I'll come with you!"  Adam followed her to the meadow where they had often enjoyed long naps together, entwined in each others’ limbs.  All the while, Eve feeling the same uncertain discomfort about every detail that differentiated him from her; his gait, the hair on his body... And as she felt his skin touch hers, she became acutely aware that she was no longer one with everything.  Her contact against his body felt like a boundary keeping her out.  She suddenly knew words she had never known before; fear, worry, lonely.

"Stupid," she uttered in her sleep.

"Eve,"  Adam roused her, "What is stupid?"

"You are," she responded.

"I am?"  He smiled.

Eve shrugged him away, "It is not a good thing."

"Oh,"  Adam remained puzzled and went on with his day. He wanted to understand, but he had no knowledge of "not good".

For days Eve avoided him.  Watching him from afar, she wondered how she had ever taken pleasure in his company.  When they slept, she ached with loneliness.  She tried touching Adam in new ways.  Being one with everything still, Adam enjoyed it all. Although Eve tried to find pleasure in his presence again, she found only pain... Worse, he could not understand when she tried to explain what pain was.

Remembering what God had said, Eve was confused about why he had not visited them to punish her.  She began to think the serpent was right.  Maybe God did want me to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.  Maybe he wanted this to happen... How cruel God is to have created such a tree!

That was when she made up her mind to tell Adam the truth.  She took him for a long walk, trying to explain one last time... ending their journey under the Tree of Knowledge.

"Hello forbidden Tree of Knowledge!"  Adam threw his arms around the tree, embracing it.

"Adam," she took an apple from a branch and knelt on the ground, "I have to tell you a secret."

"Yes, Eve?"  Adam knelt with her.  "What's a secret?"

"A secret is something you don't know.  I have been trying to tell you many secrets, but you do not understand," she sighed.  "And I know the reason..."  She extended her hand, offering him the apple.

"Eve, this is the forbidden fruit," Adam smiled naively and reminded her, "God said that means, don't eat it."

"Yes, Adam.   I know..."  Eve felt tears pour from her eyes for the first time.

Adam embraced her, "Oh, Eve.  What's happening?  Where does this water come from?  What does it mean?"

As she ached so deeply to be one with him again, Eve pressed the apple against his chest.  "It means I'm sad.  It means I miss being one with you... Something changed... I ate from the Tree of Knowledge."

The words struck Adam harder than anything he had ever felt.  Although he did not know what Eve felt, he still recalled the time before God had made Eve to be his companion.  He remembered how fascinating she was and how grateful he felt to God for creating her.  "Oh, Eve..." 

"Adam, it's awful," she cried.  "My mind is constantly burdened.  My heart is always heavy."

He held her tight and touched her head, wishing he could relieve her of the tree's knowledge.  He suddenly realized why she was saying so many words he did not know.  Touching her stomach, he longed to reach into her and remove the apple.  There was nothing he could do.  "Let's go talk to God," Adam implored her.

"No!  He made this tree!  It's his fault!  Adam, he said I would have to leave paradise!"

Wiping her tears away from her face, Adam smiled, "Where would you go, without me?"  ...and without hesitation, Adam took the apple from her hand and ate.

Instantly, the brilliant colors of paradise turned to dull hues.  His being became isolated, and for the first time he became aware of his ego.  "What did you do?"

When Eve heard anger in his voice, she knew it was done... could never be undone.  "I'm sorry."

By the time God returned to visit, he found them bickering in the bushes, trying to cover their naked bodies with leaves.

"Adam, Eve; you ate from the Tree of Knowledge," God stated.

"She did it first," Adam pointed.  "Why did you give me such a stupid woman?"

God smiled, "So she would love you."

What had been done could not be undone.  God took pity on the pair and gave them sexual definition.  With the knowledge they now had, they would never been one with everything again; but at least for moments, they could share the sensation of being one with each other.

As punishment for being the initial transgressor, God gave Eve the burden of bearing children.  Acknowledging Adam's love and devotion to Eve had led him to repeat her mistake, God gave him strength with a naiveté to put himself between Eve and the dangers of the world outside paradise.  He did not tell the couple of these gifts but explained, "This world you live in has a balance, both good and bad.  I gathered all of the pain and displeasure and put it in one place, the Tree of Knowledge.  I thought if you could avoid this one tree, I could save you from knowing... I didn't want you to stumble upon it accidentally," God sighed, "But I created you to be a curious creatures, and now can see your free-will will cause you as much pain as it does pleasure... Better to let you learn on your own."

"Are you leaving us?"  Eve asked fearfully, clutching to Adam.

"I am always with you," responded God.  "Even when you think you are alone, I am listening.  Speak to me, and I will whisper back in the silence.  This is what you will call prayer."

"Prayer," Adam and Eve repeated.

"Pray alone.  Pray together.  I will hear you," God touched Eve's womb and Adam's arms before dissolving into his heavenly realm.

The couple wandered in the wilderness, seeking the sense of home they had once known in paradise.  Initially, they did not understand the gifts God had given them before departing their dimension.  They quarreled like children and argued over which paths to follow.  At times they chose different directions and went their separate ways... But inevitably, as God had made them for one another, their paths again converged.

It was during one of these separations that Eve found herself alone in a dark scary place, with a lion prowling.  Just as the cat pounced to make a meal of her, Adam happened to come along and intervened.  He extended his arms up into the air to appear larger and spoke with a firm loud voice, "Go away!  This is my woman!"

Putting Eve behind him, he began to slowly step back away from the beast, "Don't run.  Just keep going.  I'll keep you safe," he promised.

When they found a safe place to rest, Eve was overflowing with gratitude and trying everything she could to bridge the separation between them.

Exhausted from gathering all his courage against the lion, Adam forgot the petty squabbles that had led them in different directions.  All he could think of was how determined he had felt to stay with her when he ate the forbidden fruit.

In this moment of complete agreement and desire to be one again, the couple stumbled upon the act of making love... For this moment, they felt the familiar rush of pure goodness bonding them together.

...Soon Eve would become a mother and Adam a father.  Soon they forgot about paradise and made their home in each other's hearts.  The knowledge they could not return remained a burden, but the love they found in their family lifted the weight.

As they aged, they would speak to their children and grandchildren, occasionally telling stories about paradise; about oneness and never needing to make love because they lived in it always.  But there were no words to explain to the children born outside paradise... Although they sought it, they could not fathom perfection.  Only Adam and Eve could remember a time when God would come speak to them and answer their prayers in person...

---

…Perhaps I imagined Adam would immediately respond.  He would see how fragile and flawed I am and he is.  I was not divinely made from his rib; I am human, the product of my parents. 

He did finally call me after he read it.  However, it was not the same as before.  His vocabulary had changed.  He did not “love” me anymore; he “cared about” me.  I told myself to be patient, give him time to process…

But as days turned into weeks, I worried less about what might have been.  Instead I told myself, Must not have been.  My loose ends began tying themselves up, and when I came face to face with the lion- my lion… I did not cower or run away.  In this other man’s arms I found my answer; I am not Eve.  I am Evie, and Evie runs to the lion.

Despite repeatedly telling everyone I was not Eve, somehow, I forgot.  I had been trying to embody her essence, even pursuing her Adam.  With my lion, I remembered I was never only half of another person; I was whole as myself.  I did not worry about how we fit together or if it would last forever.  I simply appreciated the moments we shared were delicious, delightful, and at times delirious.  We made memories that will never lose their value, regardless of whether our paths remain entwined or separate... I stopped thinking of life as a quest to fulfill a man’s needs and began addressing mine.

I gave up the fairy tale, and my life has been happily-ever-after since.