Crickets

Crickets.  I love the sound.  The music of nature.  The nature of music.  A symphony of insects wooing one another.

This is where I find myself.  In an argument.  Already.

No good can come of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I typed this on Victor's computer.  After our wonderful camp-cocoon, I was still falling from the acid trip, afraid to be alone.  I asked him if he had time to home record some music for my website.  He said he had a couple hours.

We got food from our favorite cheap Indian spot.  I could barely eat, anxious to sing well- and I never sing well on a full stomach.  "I think there's a reason they're called starving artists."

"Yeah, I play better hungry too,"  Victor concurred.  "So, what do you want to start with?"

"...I was thinking I should work in chronological order, since that is the way the blog is," I hesitated, "I should start with Take Care."

He said nothing.  I knew he never liked hearing the songs I wrote for Mr. Mister.  Many times he would say, "Not that one.  Too sad."

I tried to explain to him that I did not think about Mr. Mister that way anymore when I played them.  In fact, as time had passed, I had learned to apply each song to my new current situation.  I found comfort in the fact that "Take Care" was more cheery when applied to the situation between Victor and I... at least once upon a time, it had.

"I would also really like a recording of Yesterday/Tomorrow.  I can't perform it at all without you... and it is one of my favorites.  I've thought of it a lot since I went... to the hospital."

He squeezed my hand to reassure me.  "Okay, let's do that."

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"Yesterday/Tomorrow"

None of my friends- know me like you do

and I'd like to believe- that I know you

WHO do you think you are...

Who do you THINK you are...

Who do YOU... think you are?

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

Today everything about you- feels so new

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow- I can't see... Who you will be.

No other man- sees me like you

and I'd like to believe- that I see you

WHO do you think you are...

Who do you THINK you are...

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

Today everything about you- feels so new

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow- I can't see... Who you will be.

Our faces keep changing, our hair rearranging with time

Though some features we keep, they are only skin deep, I find

The more that I reap, the more there is to sow

and the more that I learn, the more there is to know

I can't hold on anymore... I wanna just- let go, go, go-

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... I can't see... Who you will be.

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I was nervous.  My throat refusing to open for the microphone.  After listening to the takes, I compromised to listen to them in preparation for a future recording session.

He held me.  I held him.  "Victor... if somehow, I am able to write something worth publishing... Will you be okay with my sharing our intimate details?"

He did not hesitate, "Yeah, I think so."

"I hope so... There's just something so magical about cocooning with you.  I don't think I can keep it to myself."

I knew it was almost time for him to leave, and he was preparing me to leave as well... "It was just so nice to wake up with you."

"It was a good big step," He paused, "I'm not sure what it means yet.  I still feel conflicted."

"Victor, I'm afraid to ask you for anything."

"You can ask.  You know it is hard for me to say no to you, to not be able to give you what you want, but I have to sometimes."

"I was nervous to ask you go to camping with me, to record with me..."

"...and here we are."

I paused, "Can I stay here while you're out?  I'll work on my blog... I don't have the internet at my apartment again yet.  I will stay and type, and I will leave when you come home... I won't make up any excuses to stay."

"You already are..." He got up, "I'm going to take a shower.  I have to leave soon."

I went to his computer and started logging into my blog.

"You didn't bring your own computer?"

"That would have been awfully presumptuous... I only just now thought to ask-"

He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment.  The sound of water against the tub, then he reemerged, "Echo, I really don't feel good about this."

"I have been doing everything your way.  What about what I want... Does everything have to be your way?"

He went into the shower.

Despite my impulse to be stubborn I closed the internet browser and knocked on the bathroom door.  "Can I pee?  I'm leaving."

"Don't flush."

"I know."  I peed.  I felt like pacing nervously but restrained myself.  "Should I let myself out?"

"You can... Or you can wait and leave with me," he called from the shower.

...Against my better judgement I set into the conversation I did not want to have.  I had given him every permission to do anything and everything, and still- I was the one calling, texting, and planning dates.  He was not participating.  

"You're just keeping me around, hoping you can turn me into your friend.  I can't be your friend, Victor."

I held back my tears... at the thought of his being with another woman, where I had slept, of using the condoms that I had purchased.  I restrained myself from saying these things.. these thoughts that were cutting me from the inside-out.

I tried to explain to him that he had to set an intention to try to be with me- or give me up... But this limbo was Hell for me.

"I'm conflicted.  I don't know what I want yet... I'm trying to figure that out."

I refrained from telling him that the little blonde at the camp would have gladly cocooned him in her tent had I not been there... from telling him that of course the younger girl wanted to jump into bed with him after she saw me confront him in Time.  I told myself there was no point... Just try, just try to forget this pain.

"Maybe I shouldn't see you in September... Last September I thought Nic was so important.  I thought during that time he would realize whether I was important.  He didn't... and by then-"

"By then, we were hanging out... Has it already been a year?"

"We didn't think it was going to turn into anything... and some other girl will pull you into something else while I'm gone..."  I watched his eyes.  They were red, like he could cry.  "I don't want to run away from you.  I love you.  You are the one I want to spend my life with... and I know it seems impossible right now, but life is long... and when we are in our 40's and 50's this will all be so long ago.  We will be so different by then... I want us to grow together, not apart."

He hugged and kissed me goodbye.

As I drove away, I called to him out my window, "I want my key back.. next time."