Ecstasy, mushrooms, a tiny bit of cocaine (that I did not care for in the least!), ayahuasa... marijuana... I had only one thing left on my to-do list: LSD.
I don't know why... because I read too many books, watched too many movies. I wanted to know what it was like. Even worse, I interrupted my night camping with Victor to do it... I asked him permission. I knew he would decline to partake, but I wanted to know he would not mind babysitting me through it. He obliged.
I simply had never run into the opportunity before- especially not when I was with someone I trusted to watch over me. In retrospect, I would have rather skipped it. Especially after the ayahuasca, I was not particularly impressed the experience. It was another playground, one less exciting and insightful.
Victor and I danced to some fantastic music. He has a difficult time relaxing his muscles enough to really dance- unless he is playing guitar. But gradually, together, our bodies swayed and flowed together. His fingers tickling my sides. My hands tapping his legs to the beat.
............On our way to the festival, we had been somewhat cordial. He said he was not convinced he would stay overnight. As we entered, the grounds, I assured him that if we walked around the campsites, someone would find us... to no avail. It was another hour before friends began to appear out of the woodwork. Then suddenly I was surrounded by familiar faces, introducing him to many.
"Festival folk are a family. You begin to know everyone," I told him. "And they will know you."
Victor had come on a fact finding mission- to book his band for future events. It had never occurred to me that I knew more of these people than he did. I had only been attending such events for a few years, when he had lived in the area for most of his life... I smiled, "I can help you! I did not understand before... But now I do. I'm better at this part..."
"I'm better at organizing a band internally, making it work," he added.
"You are!" I was elated to find more complimentary features between us as a couple.
When we found Uncle Phil, I was grateful I had shed my fear of him. He was not a bad omen. He welcomed us to join his campsite, and Victor agreed to set up the tent before the sun set.
On the shuttle back to the car for the tent, we ran into the girl who had lured him to this festival with the promise of introducing him to a booker. I could not tell whether she was sincere or seductive- or both... But she never brought up the booking while he was talking to her.
He made an attempt to introduce us, "This is my friend, Echo."
I felt a rush surge through me. I started pushing out heavy deep breaths. Walking to the car, I moved away, ahead of Victor. As I rummaged through the things in the car, to only bring essentials, I tossed aside the cute leggings and legwarmers and grabbed my comfy jeans instead, "Nevermind, won't need those."
As we walked back, I found the courage to make a joke, "Am I your friend, Victor?"
"I didn't mean that. It didn't sound right. The moment I heard myself say it... I knew you were thinking about it," he responded sincerely. He put his arm around me in the shuttle back, "Are you okay?"
I was noticeably shaken, "Yeah, I just... get overwhelmed. I feel a rush of emotion, and I know it doesn't make sense. I have to let it pass... I have to let it dissipate." I put my head on his shoulder, "Thank you."
Back at the campsite, I was impressed with us, how we erected the tent without argument or contempt, working together, neither one of us taking controlling the other. It was not until the tent was complete, and we were inside alone that Victor took me into his arms and kissed me. "You know I can't resist you."
I smiled, "Hi." This is all I know how to say when I am afraid of ruining a moment.
"I don't know what's going on either, you know."
"Really? Because sometimes it feels like you have already decided, and you're just afraid to let me go."
"No."
"Sometimes there are two of you."
"Yeah, sometimes it feels that way for me too... I am a Gemini."
"I know... How do you think I feel? A Capricorn... a goat with a fish tail! I can't stop climbing, no matter how I try... and I would rather be in water."
"Sometimes there is more than one of you, too."
"I know... But I think altogether we are a complete set. Nobody's perfect, but we certainly do fill out one another."
We smoked and danced. As the night rolled on, we saw the blonde girl again. I could not be jealous... I had already given Victor the green light to continue seeing other women- as long as he came home, as long as I was still his...
But that was not what was happening. We did not talk more than once a week. I was initiating the conversations, not him. I reminded myself- nothing happening at this fest was going to change that. I resolved to have a good time and not worry about the future- Be in the moment. Maybe that is why I took a hit of acid...
After dancing, we went back to our tent and cocooned ourselves together in my sleeping bag. Clothes were shed. Skin touched skin. I reminded myself to not have sex with him... How much it would hurt when he remained distant later. I reminded him as well.
"I love you," it slipped out of my mouth. "I'm sorry."
"I love you too, Echo."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"I wasn't supposed to say it."
"I know it."
We redressed and went back out for more music. Victor realized in insisting upon keeping a light on, he had created a pornographic puppet show for anyone watching. We giggled. I had avoided making my usual noisiness only to be exposed visually. "We just can't keep it to ourselves, I guess."
We wandered around the woods, through strangely decorated campsites. We helped one another avoid mud pits and obstacles. Eventually he was tired and wanted to sleep... We stripped down and cuddled back into our cocoon.
The acid turned and twisted in my system. I dreamed of the inside of a clock, tiny ticking and clicking gears. Then my perspective would zoom out, the clock and myself and everything else around me fell into some other greater system of time and space and movement.
I awoke many times. Each time elated to find myself wrapped around Victor's body. I breathed him in. I felt his skin against my lips. I wanted to capture every moment, every sensation.
Taking a friend's advice, I rose early and did some yoga, stretched my muscles and fascia. I caught Victor sneak a few peeks during my naked poses. Then I nuzzled back into our cocoon. I caressed his hair and face, "You know how I don't experience time in a linear fashion? -Well, I did not know why I felt this way about you... until now. This is moment is why."
It would take a long time for me to completely come down from the LSD. Been there, done that. Now I know... I could go the rest of my life without another hit... But Victor- he is a desire I never want to overcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment