Crickets

Crickets.  I love the sound.  The music of nature.  The nature of music.  A symphony of insects wooing one another.

This is where I find myself.  In an argument.  Already.

No good can come of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I typed this on Victor's computer.  After our wonderful camp-cocoon, I was still falling from the acid trip, afraid to be alone.  I asked him if he had time to home record some music for my website.  He said he had a couple hours.

We got food from our favorite cheap Indian spot.  I could barely eat, anxious to sing well- and I never sing well on a full stomach.  "I think there's a reason they're called starving artists."

"Yeah, I play better hungry too,"  Victor concurred.  "So, what do you want to start with?"

"...I was thinking I should work in chronological order, since that is the way the blog is," I hesitated, "I should start with Take Care."

He said nothing.  I knew he never liked hearing the songs I wrote for Mr. Mister.  Many times he would say, "Not that one.  Too sad."

I tried to explain to him that I did not think about Mr. Mister that way anymore when I played them.  In fact, as time had passed, I had learned to apply each song to my new current situation.  I found comfort in the fact that "Take Care" was more cheery when applied to the situation between Victor and I... at least once upon a time, it had.

"I would also really like a recording of Yesterday/Tomorrow.  I can't perform it at all without you... and it is one of my favorites.  I've thought of it a lot since I went... to the hospital."

He squeezed my hand to reassure me.  "Okay, let's do that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yesterday/Tomorrow"

None of my friends- know me like you do

and I'd like to believe- that I know you

WHO do you think you are...

Who do you THINK you are...

Who do YOU... think you are?

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

Today everything about you- feels so new

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow- I can't see... Who you will be.

No other man- sees me like you

and I'd like to believe- that I see you

WHO do you think you are...

Who do you THINK you are...

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

Today everything about you- feels so new

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow- I can't see... Who you will be.

Our faces keep changing, our hair rearranging with time

Though some features we keep, they are only skin deep, I find

The more that I reap, the more there is to sow

and the more that I learn, the more there is to know

I can't hold on anymore... I wanna just- let go, go, go-

Yesterday I knew- everything about you

and tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... I can't see... Who you will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was nervous.  My throat refusing to open for the microphone.  After listening to the takes, I compromised to listen to them in preparation for a future recording session.

He held me.  I held him.  "Victor... if somehow, I am able to write something worth publishing... Will you be okay with my sharing our intimate details?"

He did not hesitate, "Yeah, I think so."

"I hope so... There's just something so magical about cocooning with you.  I don't think I can keep it to myself."

I knew it was almost time for him to leave, and he was preparing me to leave as well... "It was just so nice to wake up with you."

"It was a good big step," He paused, "I'm not sure what it means yet.  I still feel conflicted."

"Victor, I'm afraid to ask you for anything."

"You can ask.  You know it is hard for me to say no to you, to not be able to give you what you want, but I have to sometimes."

"I was nervous to ask you go to camping with me, to record with me..."

"...and here we are."

I paused, "Can I stay here while you're out?  I'll work on my blog... I don't have the internet at my apartment again yet.  I will stay and type, and I will leave when you come home... I won't make up any excuses to stay."

"You already are..." He got up, "I'm going to take a shower.  I have to leave soon."

I went to his computer and started logging into my blog.

"You didn't bring your own computer?"

"That would have been awfully presumptuous... I only just now thought to ask-"

He disappeared into the bathroom for a moment.  The sound of water against the tub, then he reemerged, "Echo, I really don't feel good about this."

"I have been doing everything your way.  What about what I want... Does everything have to be your way?"

He went into the shower.

Despite my impulse to be stubborn I closed the internet browser and knocked on the bathroom door.  "Can I pee?  I'm leaving."

"Don't flush."

"I know."  I peed.  I felt like pacing nervously but restrained myself.  "Should I let myself out?"

"You can... Or you can wait and leave with me," he called from the shower.

...Against my better judgement I set into the conversation I did not want to have.  I had given him every permission to do anything and everything, and still- I was the one calling, texting, and planning dates.  He was not participating.  

"You're just keeping me around, hoping you can turn me into your friend.  I can't be your friend, Victor."

I held back my tears... at the thought of his being with another woman, where I had slept, of using the condoms that I had purchased.  I restrained myself from saying these things.. these thoughts that were cutting me from the inside-out.

I tried to explain to him that he had to set an intention to try to be with me- or give me up... But this limbo was Hell for me.

"I'm conflicted.  I don't know what I want yet... I'm trying to figure that out."

I refrained from telling him that the little blonde at the camp would have gladly cocooned him in her tent had I not been there... from telling him that of course the younger girl wanted to jump into bed with him after she saw me confront him in Time.  I told myself there was no point... Just try, just try to forget this pain.

"Maybe I shouldn't see you in September... Last September I thought Nic was so important.  I thought during that time he would realize whether I was important.  He didn't... and by then-"

"By then, we were hanging out... Has it already been a year?"

"We didn't think it was going to turn into anything... and some other girl will pull you into something else while I'm gone..."  I watched his eyes.  They were red, like he could cry.  "I don't want to run away from you.  I love you.  You are the one I want to spend my life with... and I know it seems impossible right now, but life is long... and when we are in our 40's and 50's this will all be so long ago.  We will be so different by then... I want us to grow together, not apart."

He hugged and kissed me goodbye.

As I drove away, I called to him out my window, "I want my key back.. next time."

Cocoon... My Last Trip

Ecstasy, mushrooms, a tiny bit of cocaine (that I did not care for in the least!), ayahuasa... marijuana... I had only one thing left on my to-do list: LSD.

I don't know why... because I read too many books, watched too many movies.  I wanted to know what it was like.  Even worse, I interrupted my night camping with Victor to do it... I asked him permission.  I knew he would decline to partake, but I wanted to know he would not mind babysitting me through it.  He obliged.

I simply had never run into the opportunity before- especially not when I was with someone I trusted to watch over me.  In retrospect, I would have rather skipped it.  Especially after the ayahuasca, I was not particularly impressed the experience.  It was another playground, one less exciting and insightful.

Victor and I danced to some fantastic music.  He has a difficult time relaxing his muscles enough to really dance- unless he is playing guitar.  But gradually, together, our bodies swayed and flowed together.  His fingers tickling my sides.  My hands tapping his legs to the beat.

............On our way to the festival, we had been somewhat cordial.  He said he was not convinced he would stay overnight.  As we entered, the grounds, I assured him that if we walked around the campsites, someone would find us... to no avail.  It was another hour before friends began to appear out of the woodwork.  Then suddenly I was surrounded by familiar faces, introducing him to many.

"Festival folk are a family.  You begin to know everyone," I told him. "And they will know you."

Victor had come on a fact finding mission- to book his band for future events.  It had never occurred to me that I knew more of these people than he did.  I had only been attending such events for a few years, when he had lived in the area for most of his life... I smiled, "I can help you!  I did not understand before... But now I do.  I'm better at this part..."

"I'm better at organizing a band internally, making it work," he added.

"You are!"  I was elated to find more complimentary features between us as a couple.

When we found Uncle Phil, I was grateful I had shed my fear of him.  He was not a bad omen.  He welcomed us to join his campsite, and Victor agreed to set up the tent before the sun set.

On the shuttle back to the car for the tent, we ran into the girl who had lured him to this festival with the promise of introducing him to a booker.  I could not tell whether she was sincere or seductive- or both... But she never brought up the booking while he was talking to her.

He made an attempt to introduce us, "This is my friend, Echo."

I felt a rush surge through me.  I started pushing out heavy deep breaths.  Walking to the car, I moved away, ahead of Victor.  As I rummaged through the things in the car, to only bring essentials, I tossed aside the cute leggings and legwarmers and grabbed my comfy jeans instead, "Nevermind, won't need those."

As we walked back, I found the courage to make a joke, "Am I your friend, Victor?"

"I didn't mean that.  It didn't sound right.  The moment I heard myself say it... I knew you were thinking about it," he responded sincerely.  He put his arm around me in the shuttle back, "Are you okay?"

I was noticeably shaken, "Yeah, I just... get overwhelmed.  I feel a rush of emotion, and I know it doesn't make sense.  I have to let it pass... I have to let it dissipate."  I put my head on his shoulder, "Thank you."

Back at the campsite, I was impressed with us, how we erected the tent without argument or contempt, working together, neither one of us taking controlling the other.  It was not until the tent was complete, and we were inside alone that Victor took me into his arms and kissed me.  "You know I can't resist you."

I smiled, "Hi."  This is all I know how to say when I am afraid of ruining a moment.

"I don't know what's going on either, you know."

"Really?  Because sometimes it feels like you have already decided, and you're just afraid to let me go."

"No."

"Sometimes there are two of you."

"Yeah, sometimes it feels that way for me too... I am a Gemini."

"I know... How do you think I feel?  A Capricorn... a goat with a fish tail!  I can't stop climbing, no matter how I try... and I would rather be in water."

"Sometimes there is more than one of you, too."

"I know... But I think altogether we are a complete set.  Nobody's perfect, but we certainly do fill out one another."

We smoked and danced.  As the night rolled on, we saw the blonde girl again.  I could not be jealous... I had already given Victor the green light to continue seeing other women- as long as he came home, as long as I was still his...

But that was not what was happening.  We did not talk more than once a week.  I was initiating the conversations, not him.  I reminded myself- nothing happening at this fest was going to change that.  I resolved to have a good time and not worry about the future- Be in the moment.  Maybe that is why I took a hit of acid...

After dancing, we went back to our tent and cocooned ourselves together in my sleeping bag.  Clothes were shed.  Skin touched skin.  I reminded myself to not have sex with him... How much it would hurt when he remained distant later.  I reminded him as well.

"I love you," it slipped out of my mouth.  "I'm sorry."

"I love you too, Echo."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I wasn't supposed to say it."

"I know it."

We redressed and went back out for more music.  Victor realized in insisting upon keeping a light on, he had created a pornographic puppet show for anyone watching.  We giggled.  I had avoided making my usual noisiness only to be exposed visually.  "We just can't keep it to ourselves, I guess."

We wandered around the woods, through strangely decorated campsites.  We helped one another avoid mud pits and obstacles.  Eventually he was tired and wanted to sleep... We stripped down and cuddled back into our cocoon.

The acid turned and twisted in my system.  I dreamed of the inside of a clock, tiny ticking and clicking gears.  Then my perspective would zoom out, the clock and myself and everything else around me fell into some other greater system of time and space and movement.

I awoke many times.  Each time elated to find myself wrapped around Victor's body.  I breathed him in.  I felt his skin against my lips.  I wanted to capture every moment, every sensation.

Taking a friend's advice, I rose early and did some yoga, stretched my muscles and fascia.  I caught Victor sneak a few peeks during my naked poses.  Then I nuzzled back into our cocoon.  I caressed his hair and face, "You know how I don't experience time in a linear fashion?  -Well, I did not know why I felt this way about you... until now.  This is moment is why."

It would take a long time for me to completely come down from the LSD.  Been there, done that.  Now I know... I could go the rest of my life without another hit... But Victor- he is a desire I never want to overcome.