May
2013, two years ago as of this week (the week of the show) I checked myself
into Friend’s Hospital, a mental institution in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania. Although I had been in and
out of therapy for few years, I had never been formally diagnosed. In fact, my therapist had reassured me that I
did not have bipolar disorder, as my ex-boyfriend had accused me. –and she was right. I don’t have bipolar.
More than a week after checking out of the hospital
and being sent to seek Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), I finally let
myself Google it. I usually would have
done it immediately. But I left the
hospital feeling broken, like I couldn’t trust myself, like I should leave the
work to the professionals.
When
I read the Wikipedia site, I was alarmed to read DBT was designed for
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
As I searched through literature and cinema, I found horror movies and
self-help books for partners of BPD patients- about how to escape, how to leave… I went to my psychiatrist and asked
him if this was my diagnosis. Before
answering yes, I fit the criteria; he questioned me about why I was asking, why
I needed to know. I told him, “I’m
reading these books about DBT. I need to
know if this is what I’m dealing with!”
For
most of my life, I have suffered from depression, black and white thinking,
fear of abandonment, suicidal ideation- I took too many pain killers when I was
22, with the intention to never wake up… and when the pain forced me to go to
the emergency room for treatment, I accepted that I could not even die the way
I wanted to… Now I’m 32.
Two
years ago, I wrote this song- Not even realizing what I was saying… It was such
a familiar sensation. For 30 years I had
survived so many days of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to face the
world, the human race… HUMAN RACE- other people, the rush between them, all
trying to get somewhere… rushing to a finish line where there would be no
winner!
When
I wrote this song, it was beginning to occur to me, no matter where I went in
this world, even if I just stayed alone in my bed all day… I could never escape
myself.
Two
years after my hospitalization, less than a year since I have stopped seeing
BPD as a curse that no one can cure… From the days and nights of pain that felt
unending- Now I see what a gift my personality disorder has been. I have more than seven job titles on my
business card; speech pathologist, Reiki master, yin yoga instructor, nail
technician, life coach, musican, and founder of aMUSEment EVents- a female
artist collective that nurtures the creative spark in all women. I am exactly who I want to be! Without my “disorder” I would have never
dreamed I could do so much…
I changed my vocabulary- I’m not impulsive; I have
courage. I’m not manipulative; I’m
charismatic… and I am not suicidal; I am ready to live and honor every day as
if it were my last!
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